by KEISHEL A. WILLIAMS
As Springtime rolls around, we’re welcoming the birth of new things – wardrobe, shoes, social life, possibly friends and sometimes new personal relationships. Everyone wants to have someone special in their lives at this time to bring to the spring brunches and summer events. Humans are mostly social people, we need companionship.
But what if you’re just getting out of a previous relationship? How do you approach moving on to the next? When is the right time to move on without getting hurt? When is the right time to move on and NOT HURT SOMEONE ELSE? We all know someone who’s been hurt by someone who wasn’t over their ex. We’ve all read articles about spotting the signs, warning us not to get involved with that person who’s still hung up on their ex. But how do you know you’re not that person? How do we make sure we’re not the one on the cusp of hurting someone else because we are not emotionally ready for a new relationship? We’ve all heard the proverbial advice: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Worst. Advice. Ever. It’s one of the most irresponsible act someone can do for themselves as well as for another person if they are not mentally, emotionally and spiritually equipped to move on. And most importantly, it’s just not in good taste.
So before you whip out that new outfit and paste on the come-hither smile to catch a new partner, let’s take the time to reflect on the current situation and see just how best we can be the person who does not hurt someone else. Here are some signs that you are not ready for a new relationship:
1. You still have a large number of photos of your ex (digitally or print), and spend an unhealthy amount of time looking at them
2. You still cannot listen to any music that reminds you of your ex without having a meltdown
3. You still cry alone over the breakup
4. You cry when attempting to be intimate with someone else
5. You can’t help but slip your ex into any conversation
6. You constantly follow-up on what your ex is doing personally and professionally
7. You find yourself chasing after someone you wouldn’t normally date, so you can “forget about your ex”
8. You compare everyone you meet to your ex
9. You have not outgrown your anger and/or resentment for your ex
10. You keep some line of communication open with your ex – “just in case”
11. You still keep your ex around: for friendship, for sex, for the sake of the children
If you find yourself exhibiting any of those signs, you are certainly not in a position to be moving into a new relationship. It is important to work on yourself first and what you want and need in your life before making that next step. A study from The Journal of Positive Psychology showed after surveying “155 young adults who’s recently gone through a break (approximately 11 weeks before the poll),[they] found that 71 percent agreed with positive statements like “I have learned a lot about myself,” “I have grown as a person,” and “I am more goal-oriented.” We need to grow out of that previous state of being in the last relationship, and grow into a new state of being to be able to fully move on. You need to break free from your previous ties to be able to fully move on with someone new, giving both yourself and your new partner a fair and honest chance at having a great relationship. Let’s be adults and understand that we are not only capable of being hurt, but we are also capable of hurting others by not evaluating our own lives before bringing in someone new when we are not spiritually, emotionally and mentally ready for that next step. When you move on, do it in good taste.